If you haven’t seen or heard of 13 Reasons Why, chances are you haven’t talked to enough teenagers over the past few weeks. This series, based on the book by Jay Asher, has become a powerful force in the lives of our young people. They are watching it, reading it, and talking about it. It is up to us, the adults, to guide this force toward good.
Take the expert guidance with a grain of salt
There have been numerous experts offering guidance about what we should do with all of the conversation around 13 Reasons Why. Some people are afraid of showing young people the reality of substance use, sexual assault, and suicide. Unfortunately, our young people already know this reality better than we do. Other people are upset that counselors are not portrayed in a positive light. Again, unfortunately, the reality is that not all counselors are sensitive to the subtle changes and signs in the young people they work with.
We need to remember that these experts have their own agendas. Some people avoid these conversations because of their own discomfort around mental health. Other people avoid the conversations because it’s easier to ignore something than to do anything about it.
Have the courage to engage in the conversation
So, what can we do? We can be prepared to have the difficult conversations around theses topics. We can even start these conversations if we are brave enough.
My plan was to engage adults around these topics to encourage others to talk to the young people under their guidance. I wasn’t actually planning to have one of these conversations in a large group setting. As life goes, my plans were subject to revision based on the needs of the people in front of me.
I went to class last week, planning to talk about therapy. It was the last night of my Intro to Psychology class. My PowerPoint and discussion questions were all ready to go. I even had a role play planned to highlight the process of active listening. As I started class, I asked my students how they were doing and if they had any questions about the reading.
My quiet class, the one that doesn’t talk very much, started with, “Can we talk about Hannah Baker?” I’m not sure how it would have gone if I didn’t know anything about Hannah Baker. Fortunately, I did. Of course, I was not really prepared to have a class discussion about Hannah Baker, but it seemed like something I could easily relate back to the topic of therapy.
Be prepared with a couple of talking points
Without giving you a play-by-play transcript of the discussion, I want to offer some tips about the topics that seem to be of interest.
Who is to blame for Hannah Baker’s suicide?
Students wanted to talk about what each character could have done differently. They all seemed to have a favorite character who shouldn’t have done something or should have done something. The person they didn’t focus on was Hannah Baker. Students seemed to understand that she was ultimately responsible for her own death, but needed guidance to talk about how she could have progressed through the series of events in a slightly different way.
What can you do to be a friend to someone who is hurting?
The goal of talking about blame is to point out that no one, in particular, is to blame. On the other hand, everyone played a role and could have played their role differently. There is great power in being a friend to someone in need. There is also power in listening attentively and watching closely when someone comes to you for help.
How are guilt and shame a part of this picture?
On the subject of blame, a related topic of shame played a huge role in Hannah’s suicide. From the initial picture that was sent around the school to the missed opportunity to save her friend from rape, Hannah experienced a lot of guilt and shame. Talking about these experiences is one way to alleviate the impact of guilt and shame.
How can we have honest conversations about difficult subjects?
When we can have conversations about things that hurt us or things we could have done differently, we find out that we are not alone. Everyone has done things they regret. Being honest enough to talk about these things could give a young person just enough mental and emotional space to reach out for help.
What if you just can’t have the conversation?
This series has the power to change the mental health landscape if we harness it and direct it in the right way. If you can’t have this conversation, but know it’s needed, reach out to someone who can. Find a counselor, psychologist, or another brave soul to talk to the young people you are responsible for guiding.
If we don’t harness the power of this movement and ride out this wave with them it may not have the positive impact that it could. In fact, it could actually lead to increased misunderstanding around mental health. Our young people could be left more confused than they are now. It’s up to us to guide the direction of this conversation from a place of greater perspective and deeper wisdom. Let’s not miss this valuable opportunity.
