In the previous post, Shifting Shadows, I wrote about how we can identify and work with our own shadows. In essence, the shadow is composed of those parts of our personality that we hide from the world and possibly from ourselves.
For some people, the shadow has characteristics of extreme anger, jealousy, greed, neediness, ignorance, etc. Regardless of what parts of yourself have been deemed unacceptable by you or by society, if they are part of you then they are still there…lurking in the shadows.
Others Have Shadows Too
Since we don’t live in this world alone, it stands to reason that we will interact with other people. Guess what those people have? They have shadows too.
How do we know if we are interacting with repressed, unowned parts of another person? Well, sometimes we won’t know. Sometimes there is no way to tell what is happening with the other person. But, there are a few clues that can point us in the right direction.
- Defensiveness – Look for unprovoked defensive responses. Typically, you will notice repeated efforts to explain, defend, or deny an action. Some people even try to shift the blame when they become defensive.
- Emotionality – Pay attention to the times when people become overly emotional. They may be having a bad day, but they may also be unconsciously acting out aspects of their shadow.
- Projection – Sometimes people will unconsciously attribute their unwanted emotions or beliefs onto others. Look for times when someone may be asking you why you are so angry (replace with any other emotion/behavior/belief) or treating you like you are angry, but you truly know that you are not angry. This is an indication that they are unconsciously projecting this onto you.
Bill Harris, the founder of Centerpointe Research Institute, loves to say that awareness brings choice. When you are aware of your own personality and are able to watch yourself interact with others, then you can begin to recognize their shadows too.
Until you are able to wake up and increase your awareness of your own thoughts and feelings, then you will not be able to effectively distinguish between your shadow and someone else’s shadow.
How to Stop Shadow Boxing
It’s great to be able to recognize when you might be interacting with aspects of someone’s shadow. Now that we think we know what’s happening, what do we do?
We have a couple of options.
- Keep shadow boxing – You know how this feels. At the end of the interaction, you feel exhausted and frustrated. Nothing was accomplished. Noone learned anything or came to any new conclusions. Someone’s feelings got hurt. Noone grew emotionally or spiritually.
- Treat them with kindness – If you have enough awareness to realize this is happening, then you have the ability to choose a different response. Because you were once, probably not too long ago, where they are, you know how hard it can be to identify and reintegrate your shadow.
- Walk away – Sometimes it’s just easier to walk away from the person or situation. There will be days when you don’t have the awareness, inner balance, or emotional resilience to find kindness for this person. Dodging their attacks might be better for you both in the long run. This may seem like taking the easy way out. And it might be. But, sometimes easy is a good thing.
Regardless of which option you choose each day, the best part is knowing that when you are awake and aware, then you have a choice. But, be patient with yourself. We all fall asleep sometimes, right?