When you assume, you make…
We all know how that statement usually ends, but do you know why assumptions are so important to our daily lives? The assumptions we hold about ourselves, others, and the world can make or break our efforts to live an authentic life and be the best version of ourselves that we can be. These assumptions also serve as the support structure for our beliefs and values. Starting with our assumptions, we can effectively shift our beliefs and values to more successfully support our goals.
Have you ever asked yourself why you keep doing things that don’t move you in the direction of your goals? Sometimes I find myself stuck in a cycle of thinking about what I should or shouldn’t be thinking or doing. Or worse, thinking about what others should or shouldn’t be doing. This may seem like a productive thing to do, but it actually drains all of the energy that I could be using to create the outcomes I want.
There are ways to keep moving in a positive direction, starting with understanding our faulty assumptions. Once we understand ourselves a little more, we can more easily choose to see things differently and respond in a more helpful, productive way.
“Should”s and “Shouldn’t”s: Faulty Assumptions
Our past experiences help us develop assumptions about ourselves, others, and the world in general. Some of these assumptions are adaptive and helpful. For instance, many people have learned that they should get up and go to work each day. That is helpful because (in the best situations) work makes you feel good about your contribution to the world, encourages personal growth, and allows you to pay your bills. Other assumptions are not as helpful and actually keep us stuck in dysfunctional thought processes.
Media Messages
For example, let’s think about the media messages regarding what it means to be a woman in today’s world. We are taught that women should be beautiful (but make it look effortless), submissive (but be able to stand on our own), smart (but not smarter than others), compassionate (but hold ourselves to a standard of perfection), and employed (but also take care of the family and home). It is almost impossible to balance all of these shoulds and maintain any sense of being centered and calm, much less live from a place that feels authentic.
I am sure there are plenty of other shoulds that our young women today have internalized from the popular culture. You can probably think of a much longer list than this one. For example, my daughter “should” be a straight “A” student and a superstar athlete.
If like my daughter, you have tried to master several domains, you are aware of how difficult it can be to give 100% in every area of life. Learning who we are, living from our authentic self, and practicing self-compassion can help keep things in balance.
I don’t mean to leave out the men. I know they receive cultural messages and have internalized faulty assumptions too. If you are male or have important men in your life, you can probably recognize some of the shoulds that they are expected to uphold…men should be strong (but also sensitive), hardworking (but also available for the family), independent (but just needy enough to build relationships), and powerful (but also protective of others). Again, this balance is almost impossible without a stable base of self-knowledge from which to live an authentic life.
Family and Friends
These media messages aren’t the only place (or even the first place) where we learn cultural standards that can lead to faulty assumptions. We can also internalize them from our family and friends.
Some of these assumptions come from things we learned during our childhood. During the first few years of life, we are dependent on our parents for everything. Our parents are responsible for keeping us alive and teaching us how to interact with the world.
If we have parents who are responsive and caring, we tend to learn that the world is a safe place where our needs can be met. If on the other hand, we have parents who are abusive or neglectful, then we tend to learn that the world is not a safe place. We may even come to believe that we have to always keep our guard up or that everyone is out to get us.
I know that some psychologists have been criticized for blaming everything on parents, but there is no way around the fact that our parents are the primary influence during our early development. In fact, childhood trauma is highly correlated with mental health and physical health, even into adulthood.
I am not saying that we can blame all of our bad habits on our parents. What I am saying is that when we can recognize these influences, then we can take responsibility for our current thoughts and behaviors.
Moving beyond the early influence of parents, we also learn some of our assumptions from interacting with our friends and acquaintances.
Think about a time when you received praise for doing something well or achieving a major goal. Maybe you spent a lot of time and effort working on your physical beauty through eating healthy and exercising. If you were repeatedly praised for these improvements, you may have internalized the message that you should be beautiful or thin in order to be worthy of love (or praise, or admiration, or acceptance, etc.).
Testing Our Assumptions
Basing our worth on fulfilling faulty assumptions is a dangerous way to live. It’s also a very tentative way of understanding our place in the world. Without self-knowledge, we are floating in the wind, going whichever way the winds of life blow us. We are left without a stable base from which to interact with the world.
Exploring our assumptions is a good way to gain self-knowledge. If you want to explore your faulty assumptions, try watching your thought patterns and habitual behaviors in a specific area of your life. Pick one area that is not working well and explore your assumptions in that area. Ask yourself these questions:
- What messages have I received from the media about this area of life?
- What are my “should”s and “shouldn’t”s about myself, others, and the world?
- Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I should…
- Complete this statement: In order to be worthy, I shouldn’t…
- What childhood experiences might be related to these faulty assumptions?
- Were there times in my life where these assumptions were helpful or protective?
- Are there any patterns in my language that could reveal my assumptions? What do I repeatedly say to myself? What do I repeatedly say to others?
- Are these assumptions always true?
- Have there been times when I didn’t follow these assumptions? How did it work out?
Hopefully, these self-reflection questions will provide you with some insight about how your faulty assumptions are contributing to your current thoughts and behaviors.
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